My Journey Through Fire
My husband Mickey died when I was 55 years old, he was 63. I watched a robust 210 lb. man weaken to 158 lbs. It was only six months from the first “twinge” he felt in his belly until his death. Cancer took hold of him like a rabid dog and didn’t let go. His death shook me to the core. After his death, I drifted in my grief fog. Emotions are right on the surface and they come out at unexpected times. This person you were with for many years is no longer at your side and you feel very alone. I started searching for answers: why did he die? where did he go?, where is he now? A good friend told me I should have an astrology reading—what?—what good would that do? She said it might answer some of my questions. Ok, I said, why not—can’t hurt. So I contacted her friend who is an astrologer. Mind you, I was never into astrology, so I had no expectations, just curiosity. As it turned out, he DID answer some questions and through that reading I was introduced to a whole new thought process.
Mickey and I had our lives planned out. We had many friends, a large family between his family and mine, and we were planning on building a dream home where we lived, in Sedona, Arizona. After his death it was all tossed in the air and I had to figure out what to do with my life-- alone. I was still working—which was good as I had to manage our finances with only one income.
I really felt alone. I really didn’t know what to do. I consider myself in control and able to handle what’s thrown my way, but this really knocked me to the core. Some of the friends that Mickey and I had started drifting away. I found that I started making new girlfriends and my family surrounded me and were in constant contact with me. I had some friends in Sedona that I became very close to and they started me on my path to self discovery. I became aware that there are Spiritual teachers, people who are Healers, that there are people that know and can see things that surprise you, that astrologers can tell you things about the future that actually come true. People call it “New Age” when it’s actually “Old Age” because it’s been around for centuries. My whole way of thinking changed. Through the support of all these people, I started moving through my grief. Yes, I went through the stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Believe me, I felt every one of them deeply. With the help of my Spiritual teacher, James, I started moving forward. I moved from Sedona to Kansas City to be closer to my step-daughter and family-I thought that would make me feel better. It was nice to be with them, but I needed to find MY way. I eventually went back to Sedona to take care of properties I owned and figure out the rest of my life. James would tell me to meditate “with intention,” so when I meditated, my intention was to be open to whatever was “out there” for me. I hadn’t had a date in four years and felt ready to attempt another relationship. I went to visit James and told him that I felt I was ready to have a relationship. He said just take it slow. Turns out within the next two weeks I started seeing Bryan-a man who had lost his spouse also and who I had been talking with for several months as a friend. Our relationship became more serious. I couldn’t believe it. Bryan and I were married 10 months later. I had no expectations and just wanted to be open to whatever would come my way.
Grief is something you go through, you don’t “get over.” Eventually, with time, life gets better. Everyone goes through their grief in their own way. This was my way and it helped me on my journey. I think we all feel that as we get to a certain age, we have the answers and life gets easier. However, we don’t have all the answers and life doesn’t necessarily get easier, but there is always something to learn. We all need to find meaning and purpose in our lives and I was able to find it again with the help of my Spiritual Teacher, family and friends who helped me with my journey through the fire of grief. You just can’t do it on your own.
Rose Davis
May 2013