Coming Home

by Vicki Orey

As I sit here on the deck of our home in Idyllwild and marvel at the forest and mountain views, I feel very blessed that if I need to be sequestered at home, this is a beautiful place to be. It’s been 6 weeks since I last made the drive down to San Diego to go into work, and I’ve experienced a myriad of feelings come and go, some pleasant, some funny, some disturbing and some sad.I spent the first month getting into the creative mode, painting all the cupboards in both the bathrooms and the kitchen. I originally wanted to hire someone to do it all, as it seemed quite daunting to me, but I realized with all this time off, why not at least try to do it myself? I find painting to be very meditative, and I played music in the background, which always tends to move me one way or another. I found that some songs elicited immense feelings of sadness over the recent losses of both my brother and mother and I would have to stop and just allow the tears to flow. I felt like I was painting with my tears and now when I look at the cupboards, I feel that they were painted with love. And this love transformed my tears into profound gratitude for having the gift of my brother and my mom in my life and for all of the lessons that I continue to learn from their presence.I also feel much gratitude for the time I’ve had to be able to rest and replenish and get off of the hamster wheel of coming and going, driving, working, doing, and to actually slow down and stop and listen to my heart speak. Where do I want to go from here? What do I want my life to look like now? What am I willing to do to live from a place of truth and authenticity? Is there a way to find balance between rest and work, peace and responsibility? These are the questions I am grappling with now, as things get a little closer to going back to a new normal.I’m also in such awe and have been incredibly moved by the courage of my colleagues in the medical field who are putting their lives on the line in service to others. I am a nurse myself, and though I no longer work in the hospital setting, I did work in that environment for many years, and I can only imagine the fear and anger I would feel at being put in a position to work in such a risk filled environment without the proper protective equipment. And I feel my heart breaking into a million little pieces for patients and families that are separated when they need each other the most.The nurses are being asked to actually take the place of family members and provide the care and comfort and hand holding for those extremely sick and frightened patients in need of support, often in their final moments. As someone who lost her mom right before things got to the point they are now, I can’t imagine being told I couldn’t be with her while she was in the hospital and dying. It’s extremely heartbreaking, and I often have a hard time separating myself from these feelings. I’ve also had feelings of guilt that I am not out there on the front lines with these nurses, while knowing all too well that my system absolutely can’t handle that kind of stress and intensity anymore.And then there was the night that I woke up around 3 AM and read an article about how the Italian mafia was infiltrating suffering businesses in Italy and taking them over. Then my mind ran totally amuck with the whole idea that “what if the Italian mafia joins with the Russian mafia and our current administration and takes over the whole world?”As if James could read my mind, he called to check in on me the next day. When I told him what was going on in my head, he and I had a good chuckle out of how far down the rabbit hole I went with it all. He then shared his observation that it seemed that I wasn’t so much worried about getting sick as I was more in fear about the after effects of everything. I hadn’t realized it, but he was right, which helped me to see that I was losing my trust in the bigger picture and the divine order of things. As you can see, I still have lots of work to do!With all of this going on in the world, I really miss seeing my dad. He’s in a senior living community, and just 2 weeks after losing my mom, his facility went into complete lockdown. I feel so bad that he’s alone during this challenging time and can’t have family members visiting and comforting him. We Face Time each day which helps, but I know he misses being with us in person. It makes me feel such tenderness for all of the elderly that are alone and lonely without their loved ones. I just want to take them all in my arms and love them.Through all of this time off, I feel I’ve run the full gamut of emotions. Yet through it all, I have experienced many blessings. I am so grateful for the loving support of my husband Steve at my side, the kind, non judgemental listening ears and guidance of James and Brenda, the encouraging words and sharing of our Spirit Family, the healing beauty and peace of nature, and the love of family and friends. As I begin preparing for a return to work and a “new normal”, I truly want to remember the many lessons that have revealed themselves to me. Love, kindness, service, humility, and deep gratitude- they are my beacons, and I will carry them in my heart forever.